I have been giving a lot of thought to this week’s post, and I have decided that I won’t do the typical patriotic piece. We all know what day it is, and I think I covered my feelings on the subject in my Memorial Day blog (If you want patriotic, go back a few weeks and read The Cost of Liberty). I would like to wish you all a happy and safe 4th of July, and say I miss you, Will. Stay safe and I pray you all come back home soon.
So I was thinking, scary I know! Anyway, as everyone in America is hanging out with family, probably at a picnic eating tons of food and playing with gunpowder and magnesium, what a shame it would be if the zombie apocalypse hit on today of all days. I mean really, wouldn’t it suck to be celebrating the birth of our nation and just enjoying the weather, only to have some stinking, undead dude crash the party? Of course, you won’t be prepared at a time like this. Who would expect zombies at the annual picnic? Well, let me tell you friends-I have made it my personal mission to make sure that each of you knows how to handle this, should the scenario present itself. And you aren’t nearly as helpless as you might feel. Handled correctly, there are some improvisations available that will not only help you survive, but they will make you look like a rock-star in front of your family! Even uncle George, who keeps saying you will never amount to anything. You know, the one who shook your hand at graduation and said “Get used to the phrase Do you want fries with that?” Yeah, that asshole.
Okay. You’re first line of defense is going to be that zombies aren’t very smart, so if one of those creepy, rotten bastards staggers up to you while you stand in line for chow, I suggest you practice the art of distraction. Grab that big watermelon and throw it on the ground. All that mushy red, slush is bound to cause Mr. Icky at least a moment’s pause. If that doesn’t work, try Granny’s jello salad-that’s sure to work! Sorry Granny, but you know that crap looks like brains. Oh yeah! And make sure you yell something tough when you do it, followed by the word Motherfucker! I don’t know why this word is important, but trust me, it is! In this sort of situation, a word like that can make or break the tough quotient. Just plan on using it a lot.
So if the zombie has figured out your watermelon/jello salad ruse, your next line of defense is obvious. Fireworks. You just spent a billion dollars on roman candles, bottle rockets and hopefully some really cool mortars. Time to show that creep who has the serious artillery! Hit him with all you’ve got and aim for the head whenever possible. But please, point them away from your own face when lighting, you can put out an eye with that stuff! It’s hard enough to battle the undead with two eyes.
What if you’ve exhausted all your fireworks? Maybe you went a little cheap this year and only bought a few, I’m not judging, we all have budgets. Anyway, the monsters are still coming and you are running out of options. Don’t panic. You still have one very valuable weapon that I bet you haven’t even thought of! Find that cousin that is always going back for thirds and fourths of Aunt Edith’s baked beans. He may have tormented you as a child, telling you that you were adopted and giving wedgies whenever you turned your back, but he is your new best-friend today. Bend Chip, Skip, Bubba or whatever the hell his name is, over and grab your lighter! I know that the lighting of farts may seem like little more than a juvenile and sophomoric trick practiced by morons at frat parties, but it just may save your life. Zombies are as flammable as anyone else, maybe more if they’ve been dead awhile. Flick that bic and tell Bubba to let er rip! You just may learn a begrudging respect for his flatulent prowess.
Of course, if all this fails to hold the undead horde at bay, your last recourse is always to flee. Run like hell and grab as many children as you can carry. Encourage everyone else to do the same. Might I suggest though, that as you are running by, you trip that asshole Uncle George to buy time for everyone else. You want fries with that, Motherfucker?!
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